In-Laws and Marriage Pressure

Tension with in-laws and pressure around marriage are common, especially in families where marriage joins two households rather than two people. In-law problems counselling offers a private place to talk about mother-in-law stress, divided loyalties and family expectations, with respect for your culture and your choices. Where pressure becomes force or fear, specialist services come first, and this page explains where to find them.

Why can marrying into a family feel so hard?

In many South Asian families, marrying someone means marrying into a household. You may live with your in-laws, or close by. Your mother-in-law may have strong views on how you cook, dress, raise children or spend money. Your husband may feel torn between his mother and his wife, or may not seem to notice there's a problem at all.

None of this makes the family bad. Joint families can offer real warmth, help with children and a sense of belonging. Values like respect for elders and putting the family first, often described as collectivism, run deep and are worth honouring.

They can also leave a daughter-in-law with very little room of her own.

What does mother-in-law stress feel like?

You might recognise some of this:

• Feeling watched in your own kitchen.
• Swallowing comments to keep the peace, then replaying them at night.
• Being compared with other daughters-in-law, or with how things were done before you arrived.
• Wanting your husband to back you, and feeling disloyal for wanting it.
• Carrying the expectations of two families at once.

Living abroad can change the shape of this. Your in-laws may phone daily from another country, or come to stay for months. Or you may be the one living in their home while your own family is far away.

When everyone's emotions are tangled together, it can be hard to tell where you end and the family begins. The glossary term enmeshment describes that pattern. The page on family duty and the self looks at the guilt that often comes with it.

Arranged marriage counselling: respecting your choice

Arranged marriage is a valid choice. Many women are glad their families helped introduce them to a partner, and many such marriages are happy.

UK government guidance draws the distinction clearly. In an arranged marriage, "the families of both spouses take a leading role in the arrangements, but the choice of whether to go ahead with the marriage remains the decision of the prospective spouses" (HM Government, 2023).

Even when the choice is yours, the process can bring pressure. You might feel rushed, or feel that saying no to a third or fourth suggestion will disappoint everyone. You might be unsure whether you want to marry at all, or whether you want someone your family would approve of. The guide on family pressure to get married looks at this in more detail.

Counselling can give you space to work out what you actually want, without anyone at the table but you.

When does pressure to marry become forced marriage?

Forced marriage is different. The same guidance defines it as "a marriage in which one or both spouses do not consent to the marriage but are coerced into it". Coercion can be physical, psychological, financial, sexual or emotional (HM Government, 2023).

GOV.UK states that forced marriage is illegal in England and Wales. It also says that if you're under 18, any marriage is considered a forced marriage, and arranging a marriage for someone before they turn 18 is an offence there (GOV.UK, forced marriage).

Abuse can come from in-laws too. The Home Office's guidance on controlling or coercive behaviour notes that domestic abuse "can occur between family members, including extended family members" (Home Office, 2023). The page on emotionally abusive relationships has more on this.

What if your husband won't take your side?

This is one of the most painful parts for many women. He may love his mother and you, and freeze when the two of you disagree. He may not see the comments you hear every day.

Some people find it helps to raise one specific thing at a time rather than everything at once, to choose a calm moment rather than straight after an argument, and to talk about what you need rather than what his mother did. None of this guarantees he'll respond the way you hope. The relationships and communication resources have free guides on difficult conversations, and the assertiveness test can be a private way to reflect on how easily you speak up.

In-law problems counselling: how I work

Person-centred counselling doesn't take sides in a family dispute, and it won't tell you to cut anyone off. It starts from your experience.

In practice, the work might include:

• Saying the unsayable. Resentment and loyalty, side by side in one room.
• Understanding your own needs. Separately from what's expected of a good wife or daughter-in-law.
• Exploring what you want to do. Speak up, hold back, move out, wait. The direction is yours.
• Thinking about limits. The page on boundaries with family covers limits that don't require ending relationships.

I'm trained in Sri Lanka and the UK, and I have a particular interest in South Asian family life. More about that is on my page on counselling for South Asian women and families, and the guide on how to find a South Asian therapist may help if you're comparing options. I work with individuals only, so I don't offer couples or family counselling.

When to look for other or urgent help

Family stress can wear you down over months, sometimes to the point where you feel hopeless or trapped. If you're frightened of someone in the household, please contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (free, 24 hours a day) or one of the services in the box above.

If you're worried you might act on thoughts of harming yourself, please get help now:

• UK: call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent help that isn't an emergency, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option. Samaritans are free on 116 123, 24 hours a day.
• EU: call 112.
• Elsewhere: the helplines directory lists verified numbers by country.

Related reading

• The duty and self reflection tool, for thinking about where obligation ends and your own wishes begin.

I'm a trainee person-centred counsellor and BACP student member, working under supervision. You can book a session when it feels right.