Expat Loneliness

Expat loneliness is the isolation many people feel after moving to a new country, even when they have colleagues, neighbours or a partner nearby. It often comes from losing the people who knew you before, and from rebuilding everything in an unfamiliar culture or language. It's common and rarely talked about, and loneliness counselling can give it somewhere to go.

What does expat loneliness feel like?

Imagine you moved to Amsterdam eight months ago. Work is going well. You've been to the drinks, joined the running club, said yes to everything. Yet when something goes wrong on a Sunday evening, there's no one you'd feel comfortable calling.

Loneliness abroad can look like:

• Scrolling through photos from home of birthdays and weddings you weren't at.
• Rehearsing a phone call to make an appointment, then not making it.
• Feeling like a slightly duller version of yourself in a second language.
• Being "fine" on video calls home, because worrying them feels unkind.
• Leaning very heavily on a partner, and feeling the strain of that on both of you.

It can also be quieter. A tiredness that doesn't lift. A sense of watching your life through glass. Many people feel embarrassed about it, because moving abroad was meant to be the exciting part. If you'd like to put a rough measure on it, the loneliness test takes a few minutes and isn't a diagnosis. The glossary entry on loneliness explains the difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

Why is loneliness so common after moving abroad?

Making friends as an adult is slow anywhere. Abroad, you're often starting from zero, in a culture where social rules may be different and friendship groups were formed at school or university.

In InterNations' 2023 Expat Insider survey, as reported by The Local, 36 percent of respondents worldwide found it hard to make local friends, and in Denmark the figure was 66 percent. Those numbers won't describe your city exactly. They do suggest that if you're finding this hard, you're far from alone.

The anthropologist Kalervo Oberg described the anxiety of losing "all our familiar signs and symbols of social intercourse" when moving to a new culture (Oberg, 1960). Small cues, like how people make plans or how direct they are, can become puzzles. That uncertainty makes reaching out feel riskier than it would at home. The glossary has more on culture shock.

John Berry's work on acculturation describes the strain of adapting to a new culture while deciding how much of your own to keep (Berry, 1997). That strain is known as acculturative stress, and loneliness is often part of it.

How long does expat loneliness last?

Popular models suggest a honeymoon period, then a dip, then recovery. Oberg wrote that the honeymoon might last from a few days or weeks to six months. Later longitudinal research put that U-shaped pattern "on trial" and questioned whether people move through it in order (Ward and colleagues, 1998).

So loneliness might hit in the first fortnight, or in year three when the novelty has gone and the friends you made have moved on. Expat social circles can be transient. Each goodbye is another small loss. Missing home can also arrive in waves, around festivals, family news or a bad week at work, which is what the glossary means by homesickness.

How to cope with loneliness abroad

There's no trick that makes a new city feel like home. A few things do tend to help, and none of them requires you to become a different person:

• Aim for repetition, not variety. Friendships usually grow from seeing the same people again and again. One weekly class, choir or volunteering shift often does more than ten one-off events.
• Keep one thread to home that feels good. A regular call with one person who knows you well, rather than many rushed updates.
• Look for people who share something specific. A language, a faith community, a hobby or a stage of life. Shared ground makes the first conversations easier.
• Notice the stories you tell yourself. "Everyone else has settled" is rarely true, and it makes reaching out harder.
• Look after the basics. Sleep, daylight and food matter more than usual when everything else is unfamiliar.

The living abroad and migration resources collect trusted outside reading, and the expat wellbeing check-in can help you see which parts of life abroad feel hardest right now.

How can loneliness counselling help?

Counselling won't give you a social life, and it's important that it doesn't try to replace one. What it can give you is a steady relationship in which you're known, week after week, while the rest is being rebuilt.

In person-centred counselling, we'd start with what loneliness is like for you, rather than with a plan. That might mean:

• Saying how lonely you really are. Often for the first time, without having to reassure anyone.
• Looking at what makes reaching out hard. Perhaps fear of being a burden, an old belief that you should cope alone, or tiredness from performing in another language.
• Grieving what you left. Missing home doesn't mean you made the wrong choice.
• Noticing what you want. Some people want one close friend. Others want community, faith, or people who share their language. The direction comes from you.

Some people find that, once loneliness has been heard rather than hidden, small steps feel more possible. Others mostly need somewhere to put it down for an hour. Both are valid.

Why can you feel lonely abroad with a partner or family?

Moving with a partner or children doesn't protect you from loneliness, and it can hide it. One partner may have a ready-made social world at work while the other starts from nothing. Children usually make friends at school faster than their parents do.

You might feel lonely and guilty at the same time, because you're not technically alone. It can help to know this is a common pattern rather than a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. Talking about it in counselling can make it easier to talk about at home.

When to get other or urgent help

Long periods of loneliness can wear down mood. If you've been feeling low most of the time, have stopped enjoying things, or are having thoughts of not wanting to be here, please speak to a doctor where you live. The page on low mood abroad explains the signs in more detail, and the low mood and depression resources list trusted places to read more.

If you're in immediate danger, or worried you might act on thoughts of harming yourself, please get help now:

• EU: call 112.
• UK: call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent help that isn't an emergency, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option. Samaritans are free on 116 123, 24 hours a day.
• Sri Lanka: the National Institute of Mental Health runs the National Mental Health Helpline on 1926.

My country pages for English-speaking counselling abroad list verified local crisis lines.

Related reading

• The trailing spouse, for when you moved for someone else's job.
• Identity and belonging, for when loneliness is also about who you are now.
• How to find a therapist abroad, on local options, language and what to ask.
• Online therapy for expats, with time zones, fees and how sessions work.

I'm a trainee person-centred counsellor and BACP student member, working under supervision. Sessions are in English by secure video, with evening times in UK time, and you can book a session whenever you're ready.