After a Breakup or Divorce

The end of a relationship can bring grief, relief, anger and fear all at once, along with practical upheaval. If you live abroad, your home, income or visa may be tied to the person you're leaving. Divorce counselling for women online gives you a private space to make sense of what's happening, at your own pace, without anyone telling you what you should feel.

What does a breakup or divorce feel like?

Some breakups are sudden. Others end slowly, after years of trying. Either way, the feelings rarely arrive in a neat order.

You might notice:

• Missing your ex-partner, even if you were the one who left.
• Feeling foolish for not seeing it coming, or for staying so long.
• Waking at 4am going over what was said.
• Losing interest in food, or in anything at all.
• Relief, followed by guilt about the relief.
• Dread about telling family, or about what they'll say.

In a widely cited 1967 study, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe asked people to rate how much readjustment different life events demanded. Divorce came second on their list, below only the death of a spouse, with marital separation third (Holmes and Rahe, 1967). The scale is old and was built on a particular group of people. Its central point still holds: this is one of the biggest changes a person can go through.

Why does counselling after a breakup involve so much grief?

When a relationship ends, you lose more than a partner. You may lose a home, a routine, shared friends, a family you married into, and the future you'd pictured. If you'd hoped for children together, or already have them, that adds another loss.

It's also normal to feel two things at once. You can know that ending it was right and still miss what was good. That's ambivalence, and it isn't a sign of weakness or confusion. It's often what honest grief looks like. The grief and loss resources include free, checked information on grieving losses that aren't a death.

What if your family disapproves of divorce?

In some families and communities, divorce still carries real stigma. You may worry about bringing shame on your parents, about your sisters' marriage prospects, or about aunties who will ask questions. You may hear "think of the children" or "every marriage has problems" from people who love you.

Those reactions often come from care, fear and a different set of values. They can still leave you feeling very alone. The page on family duty and the self looks at the pull between what your family expects and what you need, and the guide on talking to South Asian parents about therapy may help if you want their support for getting help.

What if you live abroad and your visa depends on your partner?

If you moved for your partner, a breakup can unsettle almost everything at once. Your social circle may have been mostly theirs. You might be in a country where you don't speak the language well, far from anyone who could put you up for a few weeks. The page on being a trailing spouse describes some of this, and expat loneliness looks at rebuilding a social life from scratch.

For some women, the hardest part is that the right to stay in the country is linked to the relationship.

I can't give legal or immigration advice, and I won't guess at the rules in your situation. What I can say is that rules exist, they vary a great deal between countries, and they change. A few official starting points:

• In the EU: the EU's Your Europe portal explains when a non-EU spouse of an EU citizen may keep the right to live in the host country after divorce. Conditions it lists include how long the marriage lasted and how long you've lived there. National rules and your own circumstances matter too, so check with the immigration authority in your country.
• In the UK: the Home Office publishes caseworker guidance for people whose relationship has broken down because of domestic abuse, including the Migrant Victims of Domestic Abuse Concession.
• Advice: GOV.UK states that all immigration advisers in the UK must be registered with the Immigration Advice Authority or be a member of an approved professional body. Where you can, get advice from someone regulated before you make big decisions.

Not knowing whether you can stay is frightening. That fear deserves space in counselling, alongside the legal advice you get elsewhere. I also work with women living abroad more generally.

What can help in the first weeks?

There's no right way to get through the early days, but a few things tend to make them a little more bearable:

• Telling one person. Someone who will listen without taking over, even if they're in another time zone.
• Looking after the basics. Eating something, sleeping when you can, getting outside. Small things count when everything else feels large.
• Putting off decisions that can wait. Some can't, especially legal or visa questions, so get advice on those early. Others, like selling a home or moving country, can often wait until you're less raw.
• Noticing how you're really doing. If your mood stays very low, the PHQ-9 self-check can help you put it into words before you talk to a GP.

None of these is a cure. They're ways of getting through the days while the bigger feelings take their time.

Divorce counselling for women online: how I work

Person-centred counselling starts from your experience of the ending, whatever that is. I won't take sides, analyse your ex-partner, or tell you how quickly you should be moving on.

In practice, the work might include:

• Telling the story in your own words. As many times as you need to.
• Making room for anger. Including anger you've been told isn't "nice".
• Grieving the future you'd planned. Not only the person.
• Working out who you are on your own. Especially if you've been part of a couple for most of your adult life.

I don't offer couples counselling or mediation. Sessions are online, so you can keep coming if you move house, or move country. If you've never had counselling before, the guide on what to expect in your first session explains how it starts.

When to look for other or urgent help

If the relationship involved fear, control or violence, please read the page on emotionally abusive relationships and contact a specialist service. The domestic abuse safety information page lists free, checked services. Leaving can be a risky time. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is free on 0808 2000 247, 24 hours a day.

If you're in immediate danger, or worried you might act on thoughts of harming yourself, please get help now:

• UK: call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent help that isn't an emergency, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option. Samaritans are free on 116 123, 24 hours a day.
• EU: call 112.
• Elsewhere: see the helplines directory for verified numbers by country.

Related reading

• Online counselling for women, on how sessions work.
• Life transitions, for when one change sets off several others.

I'm a trainee person-centred counsellor and BACP student member, working under supervision. You can book a session when it feels right.