The Trailing Spouse

A trailing spouse is someone who moves abroad because of a partner's job. The move may have been agreed and even wanted, yet many accompanying partners lose a career, a social circle and a clear sense of who they are along the way. Feeling lonely, resentful or lost afterwards is common and understandable. Trailing spouse counselling gives that experience the attention it rarely gets.

What does being a trailing spouse feel like?

From the outside, it can look like a privilege. A new city, perhaps a relocation package, time to "explore". From the inside, it can feel very different.

Imagine your partner starts work in Zurich on a Monday. They have colleagues, a routine, a reason to put on proper clothes. You have a list: register at the commune, find a doctor, sort the flat, learn some German. By Thursday you've done most of it and the days stretch out.

People in this position often describe:

• Losing a professional identity. You were a teacher, a lawyer, a nurse. Now people ask what your partner does.
• Becoming dependent. On one income, one visa, one person's contacts. Even in a loving relationship, that can feel exposing.
• Quiet resentment. And guilt about the resentment, because you agreed to this.
• Being the family's anchor. Settling children, managing the household and keeping everyone's spirits up, with no one asking how you're doing.
• Loneliness. Your partner comes home tired from a full day of people. You've barely spoken to anyone.

If you're also far from your own family, especially with young children, all of this can feel heavier. Much of the invisible planning ends up with one person, which the glossary calls the mental load. And the disorientation of a new culture, described under culture shock, lands hardest on whoever has the least structure to the day.

Why does the accompanying partner often struggle more?

This isn't new. Writing in 1960, the anthropologist Kalervo Oberg suggested that culture shock affected wives more than husbands. His reasoning was that the employed husband had professional duties to occupy him, while the wife had to operate in an environment far more different from the one she grew up in (Oberg, 1960). The gendered language is of its time, and today the accompanying partner is not always a woman. The point about structure still holds.

Research on organisational support for trailing spouses has looked at how much, or how little, help companies give to the partner compared with the employee (McNulty, 2012). Support for the person with the contract is often far more developed than support for the person who came along.

There's also a relationship dimension. The move can shift the balance between you, around money, decisions and whose life is "the real one". That shift is rarely discussed openly, which can make it harder to bear.

Can a trailing spouse become depressed?

Yes, it can happen. The losses described above, of work, routine, friends and a sense of being useful, are the kind that can wear mood down over months. Some people notice it slowly: sleeping badly, losing interest in things they used to enjoy, feeling flat even on good days, or struggling to get going in the morning with nothing fixed to get up for.

Low mood after a move isn't a personal failing, and it isn't proof you made the wrong choice. It is worth taking seriously. The PHQ-9 questionnaire can help you describe how the last two weeks have been, though it isn't a diagnosis. The page on low mood abroad explains when to see a doctor, and the living abroad and migration resources list trusted outside reading.

What happens when you move again, or go home?

Many accompanying partners move more than once. Each new posting can mean starting over, and every goodbye adds up.

Returning home brings its own surprises. John and Jeanne Gullahorn described a "W-curve", in which people go through a second round of adjustment on return (Gullahorn and Gullahorn, 1963). You may come back changed, to friends who've moved on and a job market that has forgotten you. The glossary entry on reverse culture shock covers this in brief.

How does trailing spouse counselling help?

Person-centred counselling starts with your experience of the move, not with a plan for fixing it.

In practice, that might mean:

• Taking the loss seriously. A sensible decision can still involve real grief, for work, for friends, for the person you were at home.
• Making room for mixed feelings. You can love your partner, support their career and still feel angry about what it cost you.
• Exploring who you are without your job title. Not to replace it quickly, but to notice what you value and what you miss.
• Thinking about what you want next. Retraining, volunteering, waiting, or going home. The direction comes from you.

I don't offer couples counselling. If the main difficulty is between you and your partner, a couples counsellor may be the better fit. Individual counselling can still help you understand your side clearly enough to talk about it together.

Because sessions are online, we can keep working together if you're posted somewhere new, without starting from the beginning. For many people that continuity matters as much as anything said in the room, especially during life transitions that keep repeating.

Things people in this position often say

You might recognise some of these:

• "I don't know how to answer 'so what do you do?' anymore."
• "I'm grateful, and I'm also furious, and I can't say either out loud."
• "Everyone here knows me as someone's partner."
• "I keep waiting for my life to start again."

These are honest responses to a big change. They deserve a place where they can be said in full, without having to be tidied up for anyone.

When to get other or urgent help

If financial or visa dependence has become a way for a partner to control or frighten you, that's abuse, and specialist help is available. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is free on 0808 2000 247, 24 hours a day. Elsewhere, contact local emergency services. The domestic abuse and women's safety resources and the helplines directory list specialist services by country.

If you're in immediate danger, or worried you might act on thoughts of harming yourself, please get help now:

• EU: call 112.
• UK: call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent help that isn't an emergency, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option. Samaritans are free on 116 123, 24 hours a day.

Related reading

• Expat loneliness, for when the days feel long and empty.
• Identity and belonging, on who you become after a move.
• Online therapy for expats, including time zones and moving between countries.
• Online counselling for women, including moving for a partner's career.
• A short definition of the trailing spouse in my glossary.

I'm a trainee person-centred counsellor and BACP student member, working under supervision. You can book a session when it feels right.