Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviour that frightens, belittles or controls you, often with no physical violence at all. Coercive control is one form of it, and in England and Wales it's a crime. If you're still in danger, specialist services come first. Afterwards, counselling after narcissistic or emotional abuse can help you rebuild trust in your own perceptions.

What are the signs of emotional abuse and coercive control?

Emotional abuse is hard to name because it rarely starts with anything obvious. It tends to build slowly, until the rules of the relationship feel normal.

The Home Office's statutory guidance on controlling or coercive behaviour gives examples, including:

• isolating someone from family, friends, colleagues and professionals who might support them
• making them account for their time
• economic abuse, such as controlling spending or bank accounts, or coerced debt
• threats to the person, or to their family, friends or pets
• intentionally undermining or manipulating them
• constant criticism of them as a partner, spouse or parent

The same guidance notes that this behaviour "can take place without the presence of any physical or sexual abuse", and that it may "develop and build gradually over time" (Home Office, 2023).

You might also recognise:

• Being told you're too sensitive, or that things you remember didn't happen.
• Checking their mood before you speak.
• Losing touch with friends because it's easier than the arguments afterwards.
• Apologising for things you didn't do.
• Feeling that your self-esteem has worn away, and not being sure when it started.

Is coercive control a crime?

In England and Wales, section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 makes it an offence to repeatedly or continuously behave towards someone in a way that is controlling or coercive, where it has a serious effect on them. Since the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, the offence covers partners, ex-partners and relatives whether or not they live together (Serious Crime Act 2015, s.76).

The World Health Organization's definition of intimate partner violence includes psychological abuse and controlling behaviours, alongside physical and sexual harm (WHO, violence against women).

Abuse can also come from a family member, such as a parent or in-law. If that's your situation, the pages on in-laws and marriage pressure and boundaries with family may help too.

What is narcissistic abuse?

Many women search for "narcissistic abuse", and the phrase can capture something that felt impossible to explain. It's worth being careful with it, though. Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis, made by a qualified professional after assessment. I won't diagnose your partner, and nobody reliably can from a distance.

The good news is that you don't need a label for them to take your experience seriously. What happened, and what it did to you, is enough.

Why is it so hard to leave?

People who haven't lived it sometimes ask "why didn't you just go?" The honest answer is that leaving is rarely one decision.

You might still love the person, or love who they are on good days. You might depend on them for money, a home or, if you live abroad, a visa. You may have lost touch with friends who could have helped. You may have been told so often that you're the problem that you half believe it.

Leaving can also be a risky time, which is why specialist services help people plan it carefully. None of this is weakness. It's a reasonable response to a situation built to keep you in it.

When does therapy for women in toxic relationships help?

Counselling is usually most useful once you're safe, or alongside specialist support. Many women find that, even after leaving, the effects stay. You might doubt your memory, feel ashamed for staying, or find it hard to trust anyone, including yourself.

Person-centred counselling can offer:

• Being believed. Without having to prove anything. Rogers called this kind of acceptance unconditional positive regard.
• Space for shame and self-blame. The difference between guilt and shame can be a useful place to start.
• Room for mixed feelings. You can miss someone and still know you were right to leave.
• Rebuilding trust in your own perceptions. Slowly, at your pace.

Nothing about the pace or direction is decided for you. That matters after a relationship in which so much was.

If the end of the relationship is also bringing practical upheaval, especially abroad, the page on life after a breakup or divorce covers some of that.

What I don't offer

I'm a trainee counsellor, so I don't provide specialist trauma treatment, safety planning or risk assessment, and I don't offer couples counselling. I also can't advise on reporting to the police or on legal steps; specialist domestic abuse services can talk those through with you.

If you're experiencing flashbacks, nightmares or other signs of post-traumatic stress, a GP can refer you for assessment. The PCL-5 self-check can help you describe what you're noticing, though it isn't a diagnosis. The trauma resources page lists free, reputable information.

If you're worried someone could see your messages or browsing, the guide on whether online counselling is confidential covers privacy on your side of the screen.

When to look for other or urgent help

If you're in immediate danger, call 999 in the UK or 112 in the EU. The UK helplines in the box near the top of this page are free and open 24 hours a day. If you're worried you might act on thoughts of harming yourself, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or Samaritans on 116 123. The page on UK helplines has more numbers.

Related reading

• Online counselling for women, on how sessions work.

I'm a trainee person-centred counsellor and BACP student member, working under supervision. When you're safe and ready, you can book a session.