Ambivalence

Ambivalence means having mixed or opposing feelings about the same thing at the same time: wanting to stay and wanting to leave, loving someone and feeling hurt by them. In counselling it is seen as a normal part of being human, not as indecision or weakness. Ambivalence often signals that something important is at stake on both sides.

What it means

The word combines the Latin "ambi" (both) and "valentia" (strength). Both feelings are strong at once. That is what makes ambivalence tiring. It is not that you don't care. It is that you care in two directions.

Ambivalence can be about a decision, such as a job or a move. It can also be about a person: a parent you love and resent, a partner you feel close to and lonely with. Often the mixed feelings are not a problem to be solved so much as an honest picture of a complicated situation.

Where the idea comes from

The Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler introduced the term in the early twentieth century, and Freud and later psychoanalytic writers took it up to describe co-existing love and hate. Over time the word moved into everyday language.

In more recent counselling literature, William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, who developed motivational interviewing, describe ambivalence as a normal stage of change rather than a sign of resistance. Their point is that people who feel stuck are often holding good reasons on both sides.

What it can look like in everyday life

Imagine your parents are hoping you will move back to Sri Lanka after your contract in Lisbon ends. You miss them deeply and feel responsible for them as they age. You also love the life you have built: your friends, your work, the freedom to be a slightly different version of yourself. Every time someone says "So, are you going back?", you feel a tug in two directions.

Or imagine you moved abroad for your husband's job. You are glad for him and you like the city. You also miss your own career, and some evenings you feel a flash of anger you don't want to admit. Both feelings are real.

A third example: a long-awaited engagement arranged with your family's blessing. You feel relief and happiness, and also a small, persistent doubt that you keep pushing away because it seems ungrateful.

In person-centred counselling

Ambivalence can be uncomfortable, so it is tempting to rush to a decision just to end the tension. Well-meaning friends may push you towards one side.

Person-centred counselling takes a slower view. Both sides carry something you value. Giving each side a full hearing, without the counsellor quietly taking sides, can help you understand what really matters to you. I have written more about this in a reflection on ambivalence.

Sometimes clarity comes. Sometimes people find they can live with the mixed feelings more gently. Ambivalence comes up often in family duty and self and in feeling stuck.

Related ideas

Ambivalence is different from guilt. Guilt is a feeling about something you did or did not do. Ambivalence is holding two feelings at once, and guilt is often one of them, for instance when part of you wants something your family would not want for you.

It also differs from anxiety, though the two can travel together. Anxiety is a fearful anticipation of what might happen. Ambivalence is a division in what you want. When the division goes unspoken for a long time, it can start to feel like low-level, constant worry.