Loneliness
The distressing feeling that your social relationships are fewer or less meaningful than you want them to be.
Loneliness is the painful feeling that your relationships are fewer, or less close, than you need them to be. It is not the same as being alone. Researchers such as Louise Hawkley and John Cacioppo describe it as perceived social isolation: you can feel lonely in a crowded office and content on a quiet evening alone.
What it means
The key word is "perceived". Loneliness is measured against what you want and need, not against a fixed number of friends. Two people with the same social life can feel completely different about it.
It also tends to be specific. You might have a close family but nobody nearby who shares your daily life. Or you might have a busy social calendar and still feel that no one sees the part of you that is struggling.
Loneliness is a common human experience, not a diagnosis. It can, though, become heavy and persistent, and it often travels with low mood, anxiety or tiredness.
Where the idea comes from
The sociologist Robert Weiss, in his 1973 book Loneliness, made a useful distinction between two kinds. Emotional loneliness is the absence of a close, intimate attachment, someone who is "your person". Social loneliness is the absence of a wider network of friends, colleagues or community. One cannot simply replace the other.
In 1981 Daniel Perlman and Letitia Anne Peplau defined loneliness as the unpleasant experience that occurs when a person's network of relationships is lacking in quantity or quality. Later, Hawkley and Cacioppo's 2010 review brought together research on how loneliness affects attention, sleep and health, and why it can make people more wary of others just when they most need them.
What it can look like in everyday life
Imagine you have lived in Amsterdam for a year. You have colleagues who are friendly at lunch, a neighbour you nod to, and a family WhatsApp group full of voice notes from home. Yet when you get bad news on a Tuesday evening, there is nobody nearby you would feel able to ring.
Or imagine being the only daughter-in-law living in a large joint household. The house is never quiet. There is always someone to cook for, someone to greet. And yet you cannot remember the last time anyone asked how you actually are.
A third picture: you have recently separated, and the friends you shared as a couple have drifted to one side. Weekends stretch out. You tell yourself you should enjoy the space, then feel strange for not enjoying it.
In person-centred counselling
Loneliness can carry shame, as if it says something bad about you. In reality, it is a common response to big life changes, especially moving abroad, where long friendships take years to rebuild and differences in language and culture make small talk harder.
Counselling won't replace friendship, and it is not meant to. It can offer a regular place where you are known and listened to, and space to explore what kind of connection you are missing and what gets in the way. The expat loneliness topic explores this in depth, and the loneliness test may help you put words to how connected you feel right now.
Related ideas
Loneliness overlaps with homesickness, but they are different. Homesickness is longing for a particular place and the people in it. Loneliness can happen anywhere, including at home. It is also distinct from solitude, which is chosen time alone that many people find restful.
When to get more help
If loneliness has been with you for months, or comes with hopelessness, losing interest in things or thoughts that life is not worth living, please speak to a GP or local doctor. If you feel unsafe, contact emergency services or a crisis line straight away. The helplines directory lists verified services by country.
Questions people ask
What is the difference between loneliness and being alone?
Being alone is an objective situation: nobody else is there. Loneliness is a feeling, the sense that your connections are not enough for what you need. You can enjoy an evening alone without feeling lonely, and you can feel deeply lonely in a busy office, a marriage or a large family gathering where nobody seems to really know you.
Why do I feel lonely even though I have people around me?
Loneliness is about the quality and closeness of relationships, not their number. You may have plenty of friendly contact but nobody you can be fully honest with, or people who know only one side of you. After a move abroad, relationships are often newer and lighter, so the deeper kind of connection you had at home can be missing.
Can counselling help with loneliness?
Counselling is not a replacement for friendship, but it can help. It offers a regular relationship where you are listened to without judgement, and space to understand what kind of connection you miss and what makes reaching out hard. Some people find that feeling understood in one relationship makes it a little easier to risk closeness in others.
Sources
- Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218–227.
- Weiss, R. S. (1973). Loneliness: The Experience of Emotional and Social Isolation. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
- Perlman, D., & Peplau, L. A. (1981). Toward a social psychology of loneliness. In S. Duck & R. Gilmour (Eds.), Personal Relationships 3: Personal Relationships in Disorder (pp. 31–56). London: Academic Press.