Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the habit of setting extremely high standards and judging yourself harshly when you fall short. Psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett described three forms: self-oriented (demanding perfection of yourself), other-oriented (demanding it of others) and socially prescribed (believing others demand it of you). It is a personality trait, not a diagnosis.

What it means

Perfectionism is less about the standards themselves and more about how you relate to them. Someone with high standards can enjoy getting close. Someone caught in perfectionism tends to feel that anything short of flawless counts as failure.

Researchers often separate two parts. Perfectionistic strivings are the push towards excellence. Perfectionistic concerns are the fear of mistakes, the doubt and the harsh inner commentary. Research tends to link the concerns, more than the strivings, with stress and distress.

Where the idea comes from

Two research groups shaped how perfectionism is measured. In 1990, Randy Frost and colleagues identified several dimensions, including concern over mistakes, doubts about actions and parental expectations and criticism. In 1991, Hewitt and Flett published their three-part model, which turned attention to the social side: perfectionism is shaped by relationships and by the expectations we believe others hold.

A 2019 meta-analysis by Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill found that perfectionism scores among college students in the US, Canada and the UK had risen between 1989 and 2016, with the steepest rise in socially prescribed perfectionism.

What it can look like in everyday life

Imagine rewriting a two-line email five times, or staying up until 1am on a presentation that was already good at 9pm. When it goes well, you feel brief relief. When there is one small mistake, it is the only thing you remember.

Or imagine you moved to Vienna on a work visa. Part of you feels you must justify your place by excelling: you double-check every document, apologise for small errors in German and turn down invitations so you can prepare more. You are doing well by any outside measure, yet you feel one slip away from being found out.

Or picture a family where results were the main currency of praise. A 92 per cent came with the question "What happened to the other eight?" As an adult, you know the comment was meant to encourage you. You still hear it every time you finish something.

In person-centred counselling

Perfectionism often looks like a strength from outside. Inside, it can feel like never being allowed to rest. In person-centred terms, it may be tied to conditions of worth: the belief that you are acceptable only when you get things right.

Counselling won't ask you to stop caring about quality. It can help you notice the voice that says "not good enough", where it came from, and whether it still serves you. Being met with acceptance, mistakes included, can be a new experience in itself.

If you want a starting point, the perfectionism test is a short self-check, and the perfectionism and procrastination resources gather trusted reading. The burnout topic looks at where an unrelenting standard can lead.

Related ideas

Perfectionism is close to imposter syndrome but not the same. Imposter feelings are a belief that you are less capable than others think. Perfectionism is a standard you hold yourself to. The two often appear together, since an impossible standard makes every success feel like luck. Perfectionism also differs from conscientiousness, a broader personality trait about being organised and dependable, which does not have to come with harsh self-criticism.