Self-compassion
Treating yourself with kindness and understanding in times of difficulty or failure, as you would treat someone you care about.
Self-compassion means relating to yourself with kindness when things are hard, much as you would treat a friend who was struggling. Psychologist Kristin Neff described three elements in 2003: self-kindness instead of harsh judgement, recognising that suffering is part of shared human experience, and mindful awareness of painful feelings without being swept away by them.
What it means
Most people have an inner voice that comments on how they are doing. For some, that voice is fair and encouraging. For many, it is harsher with them than they would ever be with anyone else.
Self-compassion is a different stance towards yourself in moments of pain or failure. It does not deny that something went wrong. It simply adds warmth to the way you hold it.
Where the idea comes from
The idea of compassion turned inwards has long roots in Buddhist thought. Kristin Neff, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin, brought it into Western research in 2003, defining its three elements and creating a scale to measure it.
In 2009 Neff and Roos Vonk compared self-compassion with self-esteem and suggested that self-compassion was linked to a sense of worth that was steadier and less dependent on success. Neff later worked with the psychologist Christopher Germer to develop the Mindful Self-Compassion programme, which they tested in a 2013 study.
What it can look like in everyday life
Imagine you forget your best friend's birthday. You would probably forgive her in a heartbeat if she did the same to you. Yet towards yourself, the inner voice says "Typical. You're so selfish. You always let people down."
Self-compassion is the attempt to speak to yourself in the voice you would use for her.
Or imagine you have been living in Paris for two years, and you still freeze when a pharmacist speaks quickly. You leave without what you needed and spend the walk home calling yourself useless. A self-compassionate response might be: "Of course this is hard. I am working in my third language, and I am tired."
Or picture a daughter who has put her parents, siblings and in-laws first for years. The idea of being kind to herself feels almost wrong, as though it would take something away from them.
Common misunderstandings
Self-compassion is not self-pity, and it is not letting yourself off the hook. Neff argues that it can sit alongside high standards and responsibility. Some people also worry it is selfish, especially if they grew up believing that other people's needs must always come first. Kindness to yourself does not take kindness away from anyone else.
In person-centred counselling
Person-centred counselling does not teach self-compassion as an exercise. Instead, the counsellor offers unconditional positive regard: acceptance that you don't have to earn. Over time, some people find they begin to offer a little of that acceptance to themselves.
This can be slow, particularly if self-criticism has kept you safe or successful for a long time. The self-compassion test offers a short self-check, the mindfulness and self-compassion resources gather further reading, and the people-pleasing topic explores a related pattern.
Related ideas
Self-compassion is often confused with self-esteem. Self-esteem is a judgement of your worth, and it can rise and fall with achievements. Self-compassion is how you treat yourself when you have not achieved. It also sits close to unconditional positive regard, which is the acceptance a counsellor offers you, while self-compassion is acceptance you learn to offer yourself.
Questions people ask
What are the three elements of self-compassion?
Kristin Neff describes self-kindness, which means meeting your own pain with warmth rather than harsh criticism; common humanity, which means remembering that struggle and imperfection are part of being human rather than signs you are uniquely flawed; and mindfulness, which means noticing painful feelings clearly without ignoring them or being swept away by them.
Is self-compassion the same as self-esteem?
No. Self-esteem is an evaluation of your own worth, and it often depends on doing well or comparing favourably with others. Self-compassion is a way of treating yourself, especially when you have not done well. Neff and Vonk's 2009 research suggested that self-compassion was linked with a steadier sense of self-worth that relied less on outcomes and comparison.
Is self-compassion selfish or self-indulgent?
Neff's work argues that it is neither. Self-compassion does not mean letting yourself off the hook or lowering standards. It means responding to a mistake with understanding so that you can learn from it, instead of freezing in shame. Many people find that treating themselves more kindly leaves them with more energy and patience for others, not less.
Sources
- Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77(1), 23–50.
- Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the Mindful Self-Compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44.